I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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