she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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