Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
