I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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