shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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