i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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