Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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