I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
