My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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