I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
