how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
