I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
