I will die if light touches me.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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