btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
