ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize