2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize