meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
