Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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