soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
