My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize