i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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