dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
