At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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