There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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