Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
