my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
