the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
