Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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