and i looked up. we had an audience...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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