Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
