I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
