Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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