Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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