btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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