So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
