True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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