I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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