at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize