I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
