Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize