Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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