at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
