I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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