She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My vagina is officially offended.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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