a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
