she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
