I think im going to throw up on grandma
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
