how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
