don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
