So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
