Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
