I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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