I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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