he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
