I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
