Sry I called you an 8
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
