lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
