Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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