Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
