our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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